K-57

Fear of the unknown, even if it has a name

Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Sleep without air because of blockage. I have a sleep test scheduled for the 16th and 17th of this month. In 2001 we found 12 "episodes" per hour or a "mild case". After that, I used a BIPAP machine every night. However, I continued to have trouble, constantly fighting the machine. It wants to blow air in when I want to exhale or I want to breathe in when it's not pushing hard enough. Most often my nose or throat would be blocked and I would fight against myself. I would wake suddenly and realize I needed to turn over in order to use my other nostril or use my mouth to breathe. Hour long headaches in the morning turned to day long headaches.
Then came mountain biking. In a year I lost 30 pounds. I still had the same problems except different. It felt like my throat grew valves or something that fought harder against the machine. It was easier to breathe at night and the "episodes" didn't seem as bad. I stopped using the machine and noticed little difference from using the machine. I worked with the doctor and tried it without the machine for what is a year this month. The 'events' as I call them still happen, not every night though. The major ones happen about once or twice per month.
Just like the major event this morning at 2 am. I'm asleep and dreaming. I am with someone or some "thing" in a strange place. I don't recognize anything or any 'person' so my dream picks someone it feels like. (I don't see faces). In my dream something is wrong, I have to "get back". To where I don't know but I know I don't have much time. Something else dramatic happens: the "person" I am with takes something from my body. (During one dream a few years back, a hand reached into my head above my nose and pulled out what looked like a pair of dark rimmed eyeglasses with a second set of lenses attached. This didn't make sense since I could "see" this happening.) Anyway, I wake up and start breathing again. My hands would be asleep or my arms. Tonight it felt like my chest was asleep and I could feel everything come back as I drew in a big breaths....
This is NOT the kind of post that belongs here. This is NOT what I want on my blog. I want funny, silly, thoughtful, thought provoking, uplifting posts. You know the kind. However, I can't hide from one of my emerging reasons for working on this site: Who I Am. What makes me, well, ME.
Posting here is hard work. Some posts flow while others (most of them) are like breaking rocks. Trying to get the "sculpture" just right with a sledge hammer feels nearly impossible. Still. "Who I am" includes all my foibles, weaknesses and infirmities. I hate showing this side of me but here I am. Me.
In August the doctor performed a procedure to reduce the turbinates in my nose. It helped. I can now breathe more easily through my nose with MUCH less stuffiness. In fact, maybe TOO much the other way. Months later I still can't drink enough water. Now my mouth is always too dry and my throat sometimes sticks closed. (it did that before) I drink water just before bed (even though many specialists say don't drink anything an hour before bed). I use a cool humidifier and a nasal saline spray. All those things didn't prevent this tonight: with less than an hour and a half of going to bed last night I woke up to take a breath to start my body working again.
That's what it felt like. Each time a "major" event happens it's always something different, something less, worse than the last one. Scarier. In the late 90's I would wake up in the middle of the night and my heart rate would be 120. 2 years ago I could count the beats by feel or hear them in my ears. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. 5 beats. A year later 3 extra Beats before settling back to normal. Now I don't hear or feel any extra beats, I just sense feelings flowing back in my arms and legs. Tonight was the first time I sensed that in my chest.
OK, I am going back to bed now (an hour later). I still need my sleep. The two glasses of water and aspirin I've had while writing this will help make the rest of the night go alright.
I'm sorry if this is one of the first posts you have read here. It's too long, poorly edited, very personal and hasn't ended on a positive note. I didn't want to write this but it's me too. Just like Spider-Man I have my weaknesses and the only 'rocks' I broke with this post were stopping me from exposing another real part of me.

I love this place (earth). I love every minute I'm here, even the harder ones. This is one of those. I need to come to terms with my own mortality. I do not expect to be alive in 100 years but I do hope to make it past next week. We all know the chances it will be some time between today and 100 years. I have a lot more to learn and I want to spend more than 60 years learning what I can. This life can be so beautiful.
Wow, I wonder how many years of posts this blog can handle?

posted by Kev @ 11/02/2004 02:10:00 AM